Working Mothers... Seriously?... Don't Even Get Me Started!!!

First of all, I can't believe this issue is one, "an issue," and that it is even up for debate.  First, it was about whether we, women, have the right to decide if and when we want to have children. Now, it's about how we "mother" when we do have children. I'm not sure how or why my uterus or my "soccer mom" schedule has become fodder for such an irrelevant debate.

To say, "working mom" is redundant.  All moms work. To be a mom is to work.  And the good ones work damn hard and around-the-clock.  So maybe the labels (since our society is obsessed with labeling everything and everybody) to be placed on women in these positions should be "away from home" moms and "at home" moms. Although, no label should be required.

The only difference is the capacity in which we "serve" and perform in our roles as the center of our children's lives during the hours between 9:00 am and 5:00 pm (or whatever our work schedule outside the home maybe).

Every hour spent at home, at the office, in route to here or there; wherever we are, we are working for our children. As a mother, every decision I make and move I take during my "work day" is for the welfare and benefit of my children.

I have three beautiful children and making the decision to return to work outside our home has never gotten any easier.  Making the choice to leave my children in the care of someone else is a heart wrenching one when you think about missing the sweetest coos, the uninhibited laughter, and the moments of innocent brilliance my children add to my life.  My choice should not be questioned or judged by anyone, especially by those who have no idea of what it takes and how it feels to make this decision.

Every woman is different and, in this country, every woman has a choice.  And like most choices and decisions we as women make in our lives (on a daily basis sometimes), choosing to stay at home or work outside the home after having a child is never a decision made lightly, without deep consideration and thought, and lots and lots of soul-searching.

Having done both (at-home and away-from-home), I can say that my children, my family, myself, and our lives are better because I choose to work outside our home.  When weighing the pros and cons of returning to work after having each of my children, I realized how my emotional and mental well-being impacted not only the quality of my life, but my children's lives as well.  Having an outlet, my profession, separate from my home life in which to channel my personal and intellectual aspirations and goals, provides a balance and "peace of mind" that allows me to mother contently.  There may be some that believe being "just a Mom" should provide all the contentment I need to live life fully and happily.  However, who established the rule that women were meant to and only capable of serving successfully in one capacity?
Don't get me started...




I refuse to waste precious time wondering if my choice to be an "away from home" mom has damaged, temporary or permanent, my children's lives.  I can only focus on filling the time I do have with them with joy, laughter, learning, fun, memory making, and lots of cuddle sleeping.

For my life and their lives, I decided that one of the best things I can do for them as their mother is to teach and show them by example the importance of hard work, dedication, persistence, and integrity.  For my girls especially, it is important that I am a role model for all the things a woman can be because of the choices we are able and capable of making for ourselves.

I am a first-generation college graduate plus a Masters and Doctorate.  Being able to share this accomplishment with my children and how it benefits our family made all the long days and nights going to class, writing papers, and conducting research worth it. With my youngest still "in tow" as I walked across the stage, I know they will appreciate the importance of this moment when they are older.


Dr. Latifah Cobb

Motherhood is Hard Work Period!

The current hot topic on stay-at-home moms and working moms is largely a distraction.  Anyone who is a mom or knows a mom can quickly put this all into perspective - Mom is a hard job regardless! 

For nearly twenty years I was a stay-at-home mom.  The job description is a laundry list: Nurse, doctor, surgeon, teacher, cook, playmate, lawmaker, peace keeper, budget officer, counselor, healthcare manager, errand runner, carpool-er, the "Indian and chief" of whatever is going on at any given time. The job requirements are so vast and varied I won't try to list more.  A mom is in a constantly evolving state to meet her family's needs. Always on call. No sick days. A vacation with the family usually amounts to extra duties with no extra service pay. Pay - not in dollars because she is priceless, and a well kept secret. Mom is the gravity that keeps it all in orbit.  

Oh yeah, I can't forget that the stay-at-home mom is also the support staff for her husband. A job in and of itself.  While being a stay-at-home mom, I often accompanied my husband to social, community and political events.  He would introduce me to everyone and inevitably the question would be asked, "So what do YOU do?"  I always had to suppress the first response that came to mind, "I do it all!"  But I knew at the time these particular groups (politicians, business men, corporate execs, and the like) couldn't relate, so I would smile and say, "I am a facilitator..." Waiting for the "of what" to come, I would try not to burst into laughter.

I re-entered the public workforce 18 years ago.  However, I never relinquished my job as Mom. My job responsibilities outside the home have to be blended and balanced with my job at home.  At work, no matter how busy I am, my mind is always referencing the "to do" list for my home.

The interesting thing about it all (with all the conjecture about who works and who doesn't work) is the at-home mom skills have made me better at what I do at work.  Prime example - my people skills. Working with difficult people, having and showing empathy, having patience and keeping a cool head in stressful situations, meeting deadlines, prioritizing, multitasking and more; all these abilities were built and strengthen during my tenure as a stay-at-home mom.  My self-confidence at work comes from doing it all at home (and doing it all well, I might add) with the most demanding people I know and I love.  It's because I love them that I am still on the job at work and at home.

I plan to retire from my "away from home" job one day. 

But I will be MOM forever...

... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So the debate is nonsense to me. Mom carries the biggest responsibility of any job, no matter where she is.

I ♥ Pinterest

Now that I recognize the "Control Freak" within, I've been looking for ways to channel this dominating part of my personality to enhance the positive effects and minimize the negative impact in my life.

First, I had to figure out the root of this trait (The "Why").  Why was the need to control so much more prominent in my life these past few years? Well, most mothers... working mothers... all women, period, can agree that the many "shoes" we wear in our daily lives can sometimes be almost impossible to juggle without a misstep.  

There is no such thing as a "to-do" list because most of us have more than just one or a list that has multiple "subcategories."  There's a list for the kids (sometimes one per child), one for the house, one for the others who rely on our "expertise," and then finally a list for ourselves (which often remains unchecked). 

With all this mental clutter, it can be a daunting tasks to manage all the things we have to do, need to do, and want to do.  All the plans we have to make, need to make, and want to make. And on top of that, some things I personally don't have the mind-space or mental capability to figure out how to get everything done in the most efficient time saving manner.

 

Then came Pinterest...

What is Pinterest?

Pinterest is a Virtual Pinboard.

Pinterest lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and organize their favorite recipes.

Best of all, you can browse pinboards created by other people. Browsing pinboards is a fun way to discover new things and get inspiration from people who share your interests.

For ideas to help with my need to be organized, neat, and put everything and everyone's stuff in our house, I have...

For my need to save money on things I can do myself but not "right brain" enough to think of, I have...

For my need to remind myself of the things I like, need, and/or want for my kids, I have...

For my need to make cooking less of a pain in my busy schedule, I have...

For my need to focus and enhance my sense of style and spark my creativity with limited time and  funds to always buy new and high-end, I have...

For my need to have a frame of reference for ideas for design and decor for our new home, I have...

Pinterest is my virtual holding tank for all the things I just can't keep in my brain, but want to have on hand if and when an opening comes up. 

Yeah, I know, this new Pinterest habit may be just another manifestation of my Control Freak gene, but at least it's essentially harmless... I hope?  Check out my personal pins and boards. You might just get hooked too :-) 

Latifah

Control Freak Be Gone

Baby powder + a curious toddler =  THIS!!!

Type A.  That's what most people who know me would call me.  Being in control of every aspect of my life has been somewhat of an obsession. 

After years of trying to engineer every thing and everyone around me (more failure than success), one major thing has been my "wake up call" in realizing the happiness that comes from letting go and not having to control everything - my kids.

Not that I was willing to relinquish and surrender to the reality my children brought to my life, but after years of walking around uptight, on edge, and STRESSED OUT about every aspect of their little lives... something had to give.

I'm quickly learning the difference between raising my kids and controlling my kids' lives.  Understanding success comes from failure and life lessons are necessary for them to face the world with confidence, I am learning to let go of things that really don't matter.

So, I'm learning not to freak out and think my son's future is bleak just because he brings home a less than stellar report card. As my hubby reminded me, just because I was a straight A student doesn't mean my son will be or has to be.  OMG... he's right. How unfair it is to my son, and myself, to have this expectation. One report card does not equal complete life failure.  Get it together, Latifah

So, every day I'm learning to let go and take life as it comes. It's kinda crazy. My kids have made me tighten up but loosen up at the same time.

Still not completely free of my inner control freak, I'm learning to channel my need for order to make sense of my world and the world around me in a way that doesn't make me or those around me CRAZY!!!

Yes, we're flawed. But admitting our flaws and attempting to self-correct, makes us so FABULOUS!!!

Latifah

 

F & F "Learning & Loving Me" Series: Women and Our Hair - Part 3

A topic that plays a major role in the lives of so many women, especially African American women - Our HAIR! We all have struggled on some level with our hair – what it represents in our lives and the role it plays in our sense of self and sense of beauty. In the next several posts, we would like to share our stories and experiences our ups and downs, and our successes and failures with our hair.

Everything Old is New Again

I feel fortunate to see the natural hair trend of today, being a child of the 50's and 60's, I've seen hair and other trends make a full cycle.

My earliest natural hair memory is of my mother.  Her hair was loosely curled, black with  grey at the center peak the swirled throughout her hair.  My greying pattern began in my late 20's the same way.  Other women around me had either hot comb straighten, "nappy" hair, or a combination of both.

As a girl, my hair was usually combed in five "plaits" - one on each side, two in the back, and a big one on the top of my head. They were fasten into place by barrettes or bobbie pins.  My hair was thick and "loosely nappy."  The only time I was subjected to the hot comb was on Easter or for a special school play.  I hated it!  Getting your hair hot combed meant you have to sit completely still so you wouldn't "sweat it back." This was torture.

Done at home in the kitchen, heating the comb and curling irons on the gas stove meant no regulated temperature.  Too much hair grease, most often White Rose petroleum jelly, and the hair would sizzle like chicken frying in a skillet. You couldn't flinch when you were tagged and holding your ear down to get to the hair behind your ear also put your fingers in peril.   After she successfully straighten every strand of hair, my mother would scrub my neck because the grease, sweat and body oil would collect. No black necks allowed.

With my hair straighten, I could wear the ponytails I begged for tied with ribbons.  My straight tresses lasted only a few hours because I could never "stay on the porch" to keep from running and playing and sweating back my kinks.  My infrequently pressed hair routine lasted throughout my early childhood of the 50's and early 60's. 

After my mother passed, my father remarried to a woman who pressed my hair a little better than I was used to, but the home perm was her thing.  Now in my teens, the perm was introduced in my household.  This was a whole new level of torture because the perms were lye-based. Now we're talking about chemical burn - a packaged conk. It was the same concoction I watched my uncle mix in the kitchen as a child using potatoes and lye.

It brings to mind the scene from Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" where Denzel and Spike get their first "process."  The longer you leave it in, the straighter the hair.  With the goal being, as Denzel's Malcolm admires his transformation in the mirror, "Looks white don't it?"

After the torture of the perm application process, I had to roll it on hard plastic rollers held in place by boddie pins that heated up (burned again!) while I sat under the dryer to get a set curl.  Again the sitting still annoyed me.

The whole process would leave chemical burn patches along my hairline and any tender spots on my scalp.  My hair would be matted in these spot and if I was lucky if my hair didn't come out with the scab.

Then in the late 60's and early 70's came the Black Movement which introduced... the Afro!  This time  brought about more than self-awareness.  It ushered in a healthy natural hair revolution.

As excited as I was about wearing hair chemical-free, now my problem was my hair would not kink or curl completely to get the look right.  I had a lot straight strands of hair sticking out amongst the kinks.  I tried washing my hair with beer and other home remedies, but I could never "rock a Fro!"

During the early 70's,  I covered my hair with fashionable scarves and hairpieces while my hair grew out naturally.  But by the mid-70's, I was back to the perm/relaxer.  The ingredients of the product had somewhat improved but not much, so I only permed my hair every now and then until recently.

I was never comfortable with using any hair other than my own, except for a brief period when my daughter braided my hair with extensions.  Once again my problem with braids was being able to sit still long enough to achieve the look.








My last perm/relaxer was December 2010.  This wasn't an intentional move but other things in my life became higher on my priority than fooling with my hair.  The last thing I had time for was my hair.

Another catalyst for my purposefully accidental transition to natural was witnessing Latifah's transformation with her beautiful natural kinky curls.  She makes her own hair care products from all-natural, everyday ingredients, attending natural hair care workshops, and doing her usual due diligence and research to make sure she was able to pass it along to her family.

Finally, there is my granddaughter whose kinky-curly top is beautifully inspiring. 

All these influences came at a good time.  Aging, chemical processing, flat ironing, and stress were thinning out my hair.

My daughters would twist/bantu knot my hair to create curls to help me transition from relaxed to natural, but I was impatient with the hair that wouldn't curl.  I would find myself in the mirror seeking out perm strains and cutting them off, until I just had a mini-fro.  Latifah and Ilyasin would chime in, "Mama you're doing too much.  You have to be patient.  It's not gonna happen overnight."

















This month marks one year of being chemical-free and I'm loving it.  No more thin, straight, and weaken hair.  It's thick, soft, and all mine!  No more itchy chemical scalp and it has grown nearly the length of my pre-natural hair.

Natural fits my overall style and lifestyle - the "just roll wit it" me.

- Lois