F & F "Learning & Loving Me" Series: Women and Our Hair - Part 1

      

We are beginning our post series, "Learning & Loving Me," with a topic that plays a major role in the lives of so many women, especially African American women - Our HAIR!  We all have struggled on some level with our hair – what it represents in our lives and the role it plays in our sense of self and sense of beauty.  In the next several posts, we would like to share our stories and experiences our ups and downs, and our successes and failures with our hair.

The #1 Reason I Decided to “Go Natural”  

For years I’ve struggled with my “hair identity.”  Since I was a young, I was never one of those girls who could create cute hairstyles and maintain any style for more than a day.  I still remember the sweating anxiety during my first hot comb experience and the burn of my first relaxer.  From this first time, relaxing my hair was a monthly routine (because my hair was so thick and “unmanageable”) in my life for many years.  As I grew older, this didn’t change.  I went from a chair in my mom’s kitchen to my stylist’s chair in the salon.  Once I found someone who could manage my mane, I was a loyal and frequent client.  

As my professional career developed, I experimented with hair extensions, sew-ins, and micro braids looking for more versatility in my styles and sleeker, more sophisticated looks.  Styles and looks I could never achieve with my own hair.  

My favorite sew-in look even though it stressed and damaged my edges

Micro braids became my go-to signature look much to the detriment of my edges

As the years passed, I missed my own hair and I wished I could wear it out naturally but this idea was really scary.  How would I look wearing my kinky hair?  How would people react to the change?  Would I look as attractive and appealing, not only to others, but also most importantly to myself?  I struggled with this dilemma for some time until a couple of years ago.

So what happened?  What made me decide to get beyond my fears and doubts?  What was my primary reason for deciding to wear my hair out in its kinky curly state?...

... MY DAUGHTER (soon to be daughters).  

 

When my little one was born, my hair was already chemical-free and thoroughly kinky from years of hiding it under sew-ins and braids.  After seeing my beautiful little girl and watching her grow over the first few months, I realized the powerful and significant role I played and would continue to play in her life.  As she grows older, she would look to me first as an example of womanhood and I would be her initial source and reflective image as she developed her own identity and concepts of beauty.  

During her first year, her soft and curly hair gradually transformed to its permanent kinky curly state. At this point it became important for me to make sure she did not grow up experiencing the same identity issues I had regarding my hair.  I didn't want her growing up thinking her hair wasn't pretty, not because her hair didn't look like other little girls or women on TV and in magazines, but because when she looked at me she didn't see herself, her hair.     

 

I wore my last sew-in at her 1st birthday party - November 2010

How could I be a model of the unique beauty of our natural hair if when she looked at me she only saw layers of ultra straight and shiny hair that wasn’t mine because my real hair was "hidden" underneath?  I don’t want her to experience the paralyzing effects of a hair obsession; hindering her from developing her self-identity independent of her physical appearance.  Thus, the beginning of my determination to “let it (my natural hair) all hang out!” It hasn’t been easy.  Learning to proper maintain and care for my natural hair has been a fun learning process.  More updates to come.

Out and natural for over a year.

Everyday we play with flowers... Everyday I let her know her natural is so beautiful.

Latifah

Five Lessons Learned from Our Joy-Filled Thanksgiving

1.   Don’t make things harder than they have to be.

      

       Don’t over think the meal.  We established our must-haves, what was optional, and went from there.  Opting on store-bought desserts this year saved us a lot of grief.  When two of the three cooks are preggo, simplification is key.  Everything doesn’t have to be perfect.  What’s most important is the time shared with family and friends and creating lasting memories.  We'll get Mama to make her homemade, from scratch, lemon meringue pie next year.

2. Things go great when we all cooperate.    

       

       Animosity and bickering were reduced to a minimum when it came to clean up time.  For us, and many families, the pile of dishes, pots and pans, and silverware in the sink and along the counters, plus the disappearing act pulled by some folk after taking their last bite, is enough to make the happiest hostess frown.  Previously, we used to leave the majority of the cleaning for the next morning, but that was even more frustrating.  So, this year we extended our bonding and laughing time back to the kitchen where the chore of cleaning didn't seem so overwhelming.  It went kinda fast, actually.

3. Let kids be kids.   

       

       We had to overlook some things to fully enjoy the day.  Relaxing the rules for a few hours didn't lead to any catastrophes beyond repair.  Let them take part in the process as much as possible.

             Happy, exhausted, well-fed kids sleep so well at night.

Can you see the sleep in her eyes?

4. "Get somewhere and sit down!"  

   

       It’s important to get some rest before the guests arrive.  Energy is needed to not only cook, but to eat and to laugh.  I personally think my mac and cheese tasted so much better when prepared after my hour power nap.  We all got along a lot better after going to our own corners for a little while to recharge and mentally prepare for the main event.

5. Laugh! Laugh! Laugh!  

       The problems of our lives were forgotten, if only for a moment, when we got lost in the sounds of joy, contentment, and love.  A game of cards,  a couple rounds of BINGO with the kids, and a simple conversation over dessert was the cherry on top of our imperfectly blended family apple pie.

We're looking forward to another year together and the next Thanksgiving.  Giving thanks for every day we have with each other.

Love, Peace, and Craziness... It's who we are!!!

Happy Turkey Day

Who Said I Had To Let Go?

There are some things of which I can never have too many - handbags, pjs and journals to name a few.  However, (deep breath) I finally resolved to thin out my handbags this past weekend.  Very traumatic! With each bag I could see exactly why I bought it, which does not set well with my resolve.


I asked Ilyasin to help me decide which bags to keep and which bags I had to say "goodbye" to forever.  She was of some help, but then I thought of a brilliant alternative!  I'll say I'm "giving" the bags to her, that way they would remain "in the family" and  I could still carry them when the urge hit me.  Genius!!!  Well, I managed to fill a small box with bags I will part with reluctantly, but they are still sitting in the hallway.  They are still sitting there so I am faced with rethinking my decision to let them go.  They still call out to me - "But I go so well with your brown boots" and "You can never have too many black handbags."  Pray for me...

Now to my journals.  When my daughters were babies and preschoolers, I suffered from severe insomnia.  I filled those nights with reading, practicing calligraphy, rearranging rooms in the house, drawing, and keeping journals.  I found pleasure in my singular activities, even though I would be exhausted by daybreak.  I loved the quite hours.  Sometimes, I could read a books from cover to cover in one night and write detailed thoughts and observation in my journals.  Writing helped me figure things out and release thoughts I did not, could not, or would not share with anyone else.  

So, how could I possibly part with the journals already full of a life lived before today? Mostly spiral notebooks I picked up here and there, my journals were nothing special until the first mark was made on the first page.  The words, the emotions, the expressions of my life at the time that my pen whisked across each page might one day find themselves in the someone's hands and that things I did not, could not, and would not share then will now be known.  Although years have passed, I still don't know if I'm ready for them to be exposed.


As time passed, I began to write brief entries in my journals and reading shorter and fewer books.  It seemed the nights had gotten shorter and days filled with much more to do. When my girls were in high school, I re-entered the public workforce.  My quiet nights of reading and journal-ling haven't been the same since.


Instinctively, I began collecting beautifully bound journals, a lot of them.  I justified it by telling myself I will now have books worthy of my thoughts and future sharing.  Well, this weekend I looked at each one and decided, one day things will slow down and I will write again. To my daughters. To my grandchildren. To my husband. And what I have to say to each them will fill volumes.


I couldn't possibly consider putting my hands on these journals that sat untouched and ready for the ink to fill the lines of their pages.  I had yet to experience the joy of filling each one with my thoughts.  So, I think I will keep my beautiful blank journals for today.


Lois

Getting Our Financial Lives in Order

I've always considered myself to be a very responsible and diligent person when it comes to money and finances.  Sometimes the pressure of paying bills on time, monitoring my credit, saving, investing, and planning for the future can get quite overwhelming and frustrating because I want to make sure I'm making the right move at the right time.

A couple of years ago, I was shopping online at The Limited and clicked on a link for LearnVest.com. I believe at the time I've discovered them, the company was just getting started.  LearnVest was started by young woman who wanted to empower women everywhere to take control of their personal finances so that they can afford their dreams. The website offers information, tools, advice, and support for women seeking to "earn well, save well, and spend well."

Since discovering LearnVest.com, I participated in four financial LV Bootcamp Programs (They've recently added a few more.  I will definitely check them out.).  Their Investment bootcamp  really helped me make sense of the confusing world of stocks, mutual funds, and overall investing.

My husband and I were even able to speak directly to an LV Financial Advisor about our current financial situation, buying a new home, and whether to rent or sell our current home.  The advise and support we received was very helpful and encouraging.  Mom and I both have benefited from taking advantage of the LV-Approved Accounts recommendations.

I highly recommend women of all ages who are seeking to "get their financial life together" to check out LearnVest.com.  The tools are so helpful and easy to use and understand.  The daily emails are informative and the monthly "to-do" lists keeps you on track and on task. MyLearnVest allows you personalize your financial picture to assist in progressing towards your goals.

And for all of the working professional mothers, like myself, who have a whole 'nother layer(s) of responsibility in managing personal, family, kids and their financial needs and future, there is LV Moms!  I LOVE IT!!!

I could go on and on about the many helpful tools and information available, so go check it for yourself.  From checking and savings accounts to home ownership to retirement and investing, LearnVest.com is excellent resource and guide to a richer life.

Latifah
(LV member since 2009)

What's Holding You Back? 9 Ways to Spark a Breakthrough

Whatever your goal, there comes a point when you require a special kind of strategy to jet propel yourself to the next level.

By Lindsy Van Gelder
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the October 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Illustration: Istvan Banyai

Maybe you've hit a motivational wall and need to get back on track. Or maybe it's time to head down another road entirely. But how? What you're looking for is a breakthrough. Here are nine ways to make it happen.

1. Go Public

When Grand Plans linger in the daydream stage, there's always a risk that they'll die there. Going on the record is one way to keep them alive. "If you tell everybody you're running a marathon, you don't want to quit," says Laura Skladzinski, who at 24 briefly held the record as the youngest woman ever to have run marathons in all 50 states. Months before she started her record-breaking quest, Skladzinski launched her blog, 50by25.com, to force herself to press onward. "When you put your goals in front of others, there's accountability," she says—and serious motivation in not wanting to lose face or let yourself down.

2. Join the Club

Whatever your goal you can draw enthusiasm and ideas from like-minded dreamers. Comeback Moms provides advice to women reentering the job market. The Freelancers Union offers meet-ups, Webinars, and job leads for consultants, graphic designers, writers, and other independent contractors. SparkPeople includes free personalized weight loss tools like meal plans and fitness trackers and support from millions of members. Edison Nation links inventors with companies that can turn their ideas into products.

3. Confront the Risks

You might think that projecting certainty will get your loved ones to buy into your goal, but often it's being honest and vulnerable about the stakes that can really activate your support system. When Cynthia (C.J.) Warner, a former BP executive, craved a career change, she sat down with her husband and two teenage kids and candidly shared the potential consequences. They would have to return to the United States from England, where they'd lived for a decade. There would be less money...or even no money for a time. On the plus side, she'd be developing renewable energy. "My kids were captivated," says Warner. "My son said, 'That's so cool, Mom; you've got to do it,' and my husband was supportive, too. So I dove in." Now she is president of Sapphire Energy, a thriving firm that develops fuel made from algae.

4. When in Doubt, DIY

If help isn't forthcoming ask yourself: 'Is there another way to make this happen?' For Amanda Hocking, hundreds of rejection slips initially crushed her hopes of being an author. "Then I realized, if you have a dream, you can't let people tell you no," she says. "I decided to do whatever it took for my books to get out there." So she self-published her novel electronically on amazon.com. The first day, she sold five books; the next day, five more. Hocking kept writing—and publishing. Pricing her books low (some at 99 cents) and releasing frequent new titles helped fuel her fan base. Today she has grossed $2 million and become a best-selling e-author on Amazon. She's poised for stardom in the print world, too: St. Martin's Press offered her a four-book, $2 million deal and bought the rights to her series, The Trylle Trilogy. The first one will be printed in January

5. Rely on the Kindness of Strangers

Biologists Jennifer D. Calkins, PhD, and Jennifer M. Gee, PhD, raised $4,873 to study quails in Mexico. Scott Wilson pulled in nearly $1 million to design a wristband that turns the iPod nano into a watch—and his creation is now sold in Apple stores. Musician Jenny Owen Youngs came up with $38,543 to record an album. Each of these projects owes thanks to Kickstarter, a Web site for creative types. Along with sites like IndieGoGo and RocketHub, Kickstarter allows you to post detailed proposals online and solicit pledges to make them happen.


6. Know Your Strengths


Sometimes Strengths—your ability to speak Spanish or repair gadgets—seem so obvious, they're easy to overlook. After a volunteering trip to a refugee camp in northern Uganda, Hunter Heaney persuaded his friends Anna Gabriel and Chris Holmes to join forces for Ugandan women he'd met, many of whom had been widowed and raped, and had children who had been kidnapped and forced to join militia groups. They knew they wanted to help, but their plan really ignited when Gabriel, the daughter of musician Peter Gabriel, realized she could tap her formidable Rolodex. "I've been surrounded by a network of musicians all my life," she says, "and I realized that was something I could give." So they created the Voice Project, in which famous musicians record a cover song on video, then invite the covered musician to do the same and, well, play it forward. The music video chain now includes Andrew Bird, Billy Bragg, Mike Mills of REM, and Gabriel's father, among others. So far the project has raised $225,000 for the Ugandan women.


7. Spread the Word


When Vicki Abeles realized that the endless homework and standardized-test preparation being forced on her kids was souring them on school, she decided to make a documentary about the problem. With little hope of landing a conventional distributor, the lawyer and mother of three school-age kids screened her film at every church, library, and school that would have her. Viewers told their friends and fellow parents, who requested screenings in their cities. "We developed a supportive community for the film by word of mouth," says Abeles. The rough cut expanded to a feature-length film, Race to Nowhere, that's now been watched by some 750,000 people in thousands of venues across 17 countries. Abeles, who frequently moderates audience discussions afterward, says, "With every screening, the conversation about homework is starting to change."


8. Cultivate Wonder


"Many of the world's inventions don't come from people simply working hard and throwing themselves at a project," says life coach Kathlyn Hendricks, PhD. "They come from wonder—from curiosity and a willingness to be delighted. That is your fuel source and your reservoir, and most people need to practice it at least ten minutes a day." The best way to shake free of your usual thinking patterns, Hendricks adds, is to make the sound hmmm aloud. "It's impossible to criticize yourself when you're making that sound," she says. "Follow it up with a question: 'Hmmm, I wonder what the company logo should look like. Hmmm, I wonder if I need a Web site. Hmmm, I wonder if I can....'" The answers will often launch you into new territory.

9. Embrace Your Critics

Naysayers come with the territory. Baseball lover Justine Siegal endured a lifetime of put-downs. As a 13-year-old, she was told that her coach didn't want her on his all-boy team. At 16 she heard that no man would listen to a woman on a field. "I'm shy but determined," says Siegal, who in 2008 spoke at the Society for American Baseball Research conference. "I stood in front of hundreds of people, mostly men, and asked them what major league baseball was planning to do beyond selling pink jerseys to get girls involved." Soon after, Siegal was hired as an assistant coach by minor league team the Brockton Rox. Then Siegal, a longtime pitcher, reached out to major league managers about going where no woman had gone before: to the pitcher's mound during spring training. Everyone turned her down, but she persisted with in-person pleas. This past spring, Siegal pitched batting practice for the Cleveland Indians. She went on to throw for the Oakland A's, the Tampa Bay Rays, the Houston Astros, the New York Mets, and the St. Louis Cardinals. Sure, it's intimidating. But every time she climbs the mound, she says, "I take all the butterflies and trembling and I just stuff them."


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Making-Your-Ideas-a-Reality-Whats-Holding-You-Back/2#ixzz1a8WqbXbN